Spoiler Alert: Indiana Jones 4 is a Steaming Pile of Shit

Yep, I said it. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull sucked. It was terrible. It was abysmal. It was a total tragedy in the history of cinema. I'm still pissed that I lost $6.50 to go waste my time watching that movie, and I saw it weeks ago. I'm even half-tempted to put a hit out on George Lucas for ruining YET ANOTHER fantastic series (Star Wars anyone?). Let me tell you exactly why this movie made me feel like I let Lucas pull another fast one on me, and just why it was so terrible.


1. It had Shia LeBeouf in it. Not only was he just in the movie, he was Indiana Jones's son named Mutt. Mutt is appropriate, because goddamnit, this no-talent hack is nothing more than a half-breed fuck-up deserving of getting euthanised. This little shit ruined Transformers, he's a poor actor, and to this day I still wonder why no one has taken it upon themselves to run this little fucker over with their family-sized sedan. Oh, during a chase scene through the jungle he gets caught in some vines and for some reason, all of the monkeys in the rain forest decide to help him by miraculously teaching him instantly how to swing from vines. Then all of the little monkeys beat up Russian soldiers and help Indiana Jones and his stupid fucking crystal skull (that I wish would shatter) escape.

2. The main baddie is some crazy psychic Russian nutjob named Irina Spalko who carries a rapier and thinks that extraterrestrials left crystal skulls to allow the Russians to gain infinite knowledge and somehow become the ultimate fighting force on the planet...and I'm not even fucking kidding, either. Not only that, the movie begins with her and a few truckloads of Russians breaking onto an American military base. Sure, it's "1957 - the height of the Cold War" (taken from the official webshit), but are you fucking serious? The only successful military campaigns the Russians ever won were pre-1900, and they certainly weren't against the U.S.


3. Indiana Jones survives a fucking nuclear bomb by hiding in a goddamn refrigerator. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. Taken from the wikipedia page on nuclear explosions: "The dominant effects of a nuclear weapon where people are likely to be affected (blast and thermal radiation) are identical physical damage mechanisms to conventional explosives. However the energy produced by a nuclear explosive is millions of times more powerful per gram and the temperatures reached are briefly in the tens of millions of degrees." Tens of millions of degrees. I don't give a fuck if you're the Terminator, those kinds of temperatures are going to fuse your body to the stupid little lead-lined fridge you climbed into, and you're most certainly going to die.

4. Bad guys got eaten by "giant" ants (by giant, I mean 6x normal size at best, hardly man eaters) in the middle of the fucking rainforests of Peru. Come on Georgie, if the Russians are gonna die it should be from the hands of a full-blooded bulldog American like Harrison Ford. Christ, when Indie was fist-fighting the big Russian bad-ass and kicking the commie out of him, the fucking ants come and steal the kill! On top of Shia LeDouche's epic-fail performance in the jungle, I finally realized at this point in the movie that I wanted to rip George Lucas's spinal cord out the back of his neck and eat his still-beating heart.



5. After getting chased by Russians and big ants (both marginally less impressive than the Nazis or cultists of the previous movies), Indie & Co. ride a stupid amphibious car over 3 waterfalls that had to have been several hundred feet tall each. The first two, the car lands upright and they climb back in, but OH NO! After the third, it's totally thrashed. Please, the excitement with this movie is ENDLESS...if you're 8 years old and you have down syndrome.


6. The big surprise: THEY'RE FUCKING ALIENS!
Or to be more specific, extra-dimensional beings, all thirteen of which are actually just a single being that are somehow related to the "aliens" from Area 51 in Roswell, NM. Not only are they aliens, but they are aliens with skeletons made out of crystal. Oh, and they love gold too. Mayan gold. Oh, and they came to earth thousands of years ago to teach the Mayans how to grow crops, build things, and do everything else. Yep, aliens taught humanity how to live. I think this practically put Lucas's film on the same playing field as intelligent design. Forget about the idea that over millions of years, Homo habilis developed into the amazing Homo sapiens and progressively picked up skills and talents to learn how to sustain itself and overcome its environment, oh no. Fuck that idea. I have a better one...it was aliens. George Lucas, go fucking kill yourself. I mean in Raiders of the Lost Ark it was Nazis getting destroyed by the Ark of the Covenant, in The Temple of Doom it was the British Indian Army helping Indie escape the Thuggee, and in The Last Crusade it was the Holy Grail getting lost in a temple quake. All three past movies have been pro-American and pro-adventurer with christian themes in the treasures sought. While the latter doesn't quite appeal to yours truly, it's still better than turning the Indiana Jones series into a drawn-out episode of the fucking X-Files.

Overall, I'd give this movie a 3 out of 10 because it was such a monstrous abomination of cinema. The only thing that kept me from giving this load of Peter North's semen a 1 out of 10 was the fight scene in the diner that was provoked when Indiana Jones told LeDouche to "hit that frat boy" and an all-out brawl between frat boys and greasers broke out.

George Lucas, if you're out there, if you make another Star Wars movie or make Shia LeBeouf the next Indiana Jones, I'm going to gouge out your eyes with my thumbs and beat you to death with your own severed appendages. The horse has been dead since 1989, so stop fucking beating it or a large angry man with a Daneaxe is going to show up to your house one day and nothing, not even $30+ million in CGI will be able to save you.

-K